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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.