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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.