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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.