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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears