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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point