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The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.