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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Running behind is my cardio.