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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.