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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.