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I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.