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When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%