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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?