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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes