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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.