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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.