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Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.