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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.