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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
You look like I need another drink
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.