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Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!