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Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Plan B includes margaritas.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."