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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"