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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!