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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!