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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook