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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink