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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..