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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."