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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.