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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.