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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!