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Happy people don`t take long showers.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.