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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.