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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!