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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal