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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!