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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.