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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom