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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?