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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?