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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.