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I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Gym update: not there
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"