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I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.