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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.