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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.