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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.