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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.