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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”