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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!