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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Doormats are a gateway rug.