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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink