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And then her mood ring just...exploded
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!