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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Remember when the world ended last year?
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!