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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.