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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?