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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Hello...
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!