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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.